


12 Days of Misplaced Fili

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Series: Middle Earth NOT Midgard! [2]
Category: Crossover AU - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Asgard, Crack, Middle Earth, Midgard, Multi, what have we done?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-08 14:25:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8848507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: Following the events of Azog Smash, more craziness ensues...





	1. Day One: City of Gold

Gold. So much gold. Rivers of Gold. Glittering in the distance. Fíli stumbled forward. Were these the halls of Waiting? Had he died in an sudden orc ambush? He blinked. Those were no halls. There was sky above him. And … he took a few hasty steps back. There was sky below him. This was too much sky for a dwarf. 

 

“.... You and Bragi have gone too … THIS IS NOT BRAGI!”

 

Fíli became aware of the four men behind him when they started shouting. Thor. And Loki. Their surprise allies. And with them a tall man with an eyepatch and a tall man with a gold helmet making him even taller. These people were too tall.

 

“Heimdall,” Eyepatch eyed Fíli with his one eye. “Why did you bring back a dwarf.”

 

Gold Helmet stared at him. He looked grave, but there was a hint of confusion in his face, “I do not know, my lord.”

 

Loki began to cackle and Thor grabbed him by the scruff of his coat.

 

“Brother,” he growled. “What have you done?”

 

He didn't get any reaction and Eyepatch shouted at Loki to tell him what happened.

 

Meanwhile, Golden Helmet bowed his head ever so slightly, “I am Heimdall. I am the guard of the Bifrost. Who are you?”

 

“Fíli, son of Dis,” The overwhelmed dwarf replied with all the royal haughtiness he could muster, “I demand that you take me back NOW.”

 

Heimdall nodded, “I will. You share a certain similarity with Lord Bragi. I apologize for my mistake.”

 

Meanwhile, Loki had stopped cackling and looked like a sullen teenager. The old man, Eyepatch, turned from Loki to Fili, “I am Odin, the Allfather. My son will apologize for the confusion he has caused. Heimdall and I have important matters to attend to. You will partake in a dinner at my palace as a token of our regret. Later, Heimdall will restore you to your world.”

 

“I need to get back right now!” Fili commanded.

 

“I am afraid that is not possible.” Odin was unflappable. “I need Heimdall to concentrate on a matter of great importance.”

 

He waved his hand. They were dismissed. Thor’s heavy hand landed on Fíli’s shoulder, firmly but kindly leading him across the bridge over the sky. Fíli could deal with deep abysses in a mountain, but this sight made him forget about his protests.  
“My friend,” he said, “we will feast and celebrate our victory over your foul enemies! This is a day to remember!”


	2. Day Two: Fooling Dis (or not)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Mahal! It's Amad!

Bragi tried to comfort Kili, realizing that his appearance must have shifted back to his usual form. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he kept repeating to the shrieking brunette who was now pummeling him, “I didn't realize you thought I was your brother. I just couldn't help myself when you started kissing me. You’re so gorgeous. I wanted to believe you wanted me.”

 

That finally made Kili stop and take a breath. “Where is Fili?” he demanded.

 

Bragi looked around for a moment before answering. He noted that Kili huffed at his hesitation and the lack of any other Asgardians. “It looks like they called the Bifrost and left. Please don't worry. I can call the bridge and go home. Then I can send your brother back to you.” Sea-green eyes full of sorrow bored into Kili's heart.

 

Another scream of anger from somewhere a bit closer than the healing tents made Kili jump into action before he could feel anything however. “Oh, Mahal! Amad! We have to hide you! She’ll kill us all!” With that epithet barely out of his mouth, the brunette jumped up, grabbed the blonde’s hand, and hauled him to his feet. “How am I… Yes! You're injured!”

 

Already running, Bragi stared at his companion, “I’m what?”

 

“Just follow my lead and we’ll be okay. It works for me and Fili. It should work for you.”

 

Minutes later they found themselves in the healing tent. Kili had snuck from tent corner to tent corner, leading the taller blonde behind him, to stay out of sight, especially from “their” mother. Now he shoved him inside where Oin could help. The old medic looked up, then further up, at “Fili” and fainted.

 

Kili looked at him on the ground. “Unbelievable. He’s seen us with every possible injury since birth, but you grow a few inches and he can’t handle it. Wuss.” He shoved the speechless, shocked blonde toward a cot, “Lie down there. I’ve wrapped enough injuries over the years. I can do this on my own.” He looked back at Oin and made a face. Pathetic.

 

Hurriedly, after shoving Bragi onto the cot, Kili made quick work of mummy-wrapping him in bandages in hopes of averting Dis' wrath. What she didn't know couldn't hurt them. He hoped.

 

“Okay, brother, just lie quietly. When Amad finds us, stay silent. No one fools her. Pass out or something if you don't want to find out what she's like when she's angry.” Bragi gave Kili such a warm and sincere smile in return that the dwarf almost forgot for a moment that the blonde on the bed was not his beloved brother. He took the bandaged hand and held it tenderly. “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right.”

 

Just then Dis swept into the tent. She completely ignored the unconscious healer as she watched her eldest, swathed in bandages, kiss the knuckles of her youngest, who was murmuring comforting words. 

 

“Oh, my darlings!” She exclaimed, racing over to hug them both. She pulled Kili into a tight hug and bent to kiss FIli’s eyelids, the only part of him she could see. Then she stood and straightened her skirts. “You two stay here, rest, and heal. I must see my brother about what he has allowed to happen to you.”

 

With that she was gone. Outside the tent, they heard her bellow, “Thoooooooorin!” They both winced. Azog was not half as frightening as Dis.


	3. Day Three: They’ve got WHAT on Midgard?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another quest? Ugh!

Thor had not lied; this was a celebration, no ordinary meal. Still, Fíli had wanted to celebrate with KILI not with a bunch of too tall strangers. 

 

He could not WAIT to tell Kíli that the terrifying green thing that had smashed Azog so conveniently had shrunk into a timid man once they were in Asgard. A big man, but not a giant monster. Who was very interested in the life of dwarves and their resilience, but seemed offended when Fíli tried to thank him for saving his life.

 

Fíli considered his own life to be quite valuable and he thought it was a rather good thing that “Bruce” had saved it. He was a bit miffed that Bruce seemed to think it was a trivial, slightly embarrassing matter.

 

Thor had just downed his fifth drinking horn of ale, when an “Einherjar” came and whispered to him. The blond got up and slapped Fíli’s shoulder. “Come along, my valiant little friend. Mayhap my father will be ready to send you home.” Fíli punched him for the “little” comment. The brawny god seemed to see that as a friendly slap and laughed indulgently. “You have great strength, my friend.”

 

Fíli smiled at the Einherjar, who tried to stop him from entering the royal hall. Force was not helpful, he figured out. And he had listened when Bilbo went on about propriety. The Einherjar backed away and mumbled something that sounded like “Forgive me, Lord Bragi.” Where all those people blind?

 

Fíli recognized immediately that his was a very serious meeting. People were assembled wearing serious countenances. Odin (Eyepatch’s name, as he had found out) sat on a throne that made the one in Erebor appear modest. (Once Fíli was king he’d build a replica. Odin’s throne was good for lounging. Fíli would like to lounge on his throne. He could lounge on that one with Kili.) Everybody ignored his presence and only addressed Thor.

 

Despite being nominal heir to Thorin, Fíli was well used to being in assemblies and treated like a piece of decoration. Handsome decoration, if he might say so himself (he did, frequently), especially in this place. Gold, yes, they had taste when it came to decorating everything with gold. Every dwarf dreamed of walls of gold. But no one here had anything approaching his own glorious moustache. Or a decent beard. Volstagg came closest. A fine red beard. But scrawny compared to a dwarf’s. Fíli was so absorbed in the mental assessment of the place’s aesthetics that he barely caught what Odin was droning on about.

 

“Thor. A situation has arisen in Midgard. You and your friends will journey there as soon has you have rested. There is no time for feasting.”

 

“Midgard? I believed you wish Asgard not the meddle with Midgardian affairs.”

 

Fíli had no idea what they were talking about. Midgard? Not Middle Earth? He needed to get to Middle Earth! But before he could open his mouth, Odin talked again.

 

“We will make an exception. Heimdall has become aware that vampirism is spreading. This cannot be allowed to continue. We cannot have a realm ruled by monsters.”

 

This man was more annoying than Thorin, and that was saying something.

 

Thor nodded. “You wish us to eliminate them?”

 

“Those that show no remorse, certainly. But you may bring the others to Asgard. They do not crave Aesir blood. They will be safe from their bloodlust here. We have prepared a refuge in the North of Asgard,” Eyepatch, uh, Odin, ordered. By the looks Thor and others in the room exchanged, Fíli could tell that Odin was not normally this generous.

 

None of that looked very promising to Fíli though and indeed, Odin looked at him now, as if he only now became aware of the visitor. “We will send you back to your world when this quest is over!”

 

“I cannot stay that long! Quests take months and months to finish!” He should know, he had just finished one. “Can’t you send me home first?”

 

Odin waved his hand impatiently. “This has been planned before Loki and Bragi unwisely stumbled into your world. Be grateful for their help in your petty battle. I will brook no further delay.”


	4. You said you could call the bridge!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bragi tries to get home.

Kili paced. Up and down the aisle of the healing tent, wearing a path in the dirt. Luckily it was the royal tent and no one was there except Oin. He was awake and seated, drinking some concoction for his nerves that smelled suspiciously like hard liquor. It did have a few herbs floating in it though.

After a while, Bragi got bored and fell asleep. He couldn't do much lying there encased in cotton wool from head to toe. If he ever did get hurt, Kili would make a very pleasant, and attractive, nurse. He dreamt about that and smiled in his sleep.

The smile was what drew Kili to the bed and calmed him. He forgot for a moment that the blonde on the bed was not his beloved brother and held one bandaged hand tenderly. “Don’t worry. Everything will be all right,” he repeated, to himself, and to Fili, wherever he was. A few tears spilled from his eyes. Before he could wipe them away, another bandaged hand brushed them gently from his cheeks. “You said you could call the bridge. Can we do it now?”

“Of course,” Bragi murmured gently. “Can we leave the bandages on to scare my family?”

Kili laughed heartily for the first time since his arrival at Erebor. He was relieved, but instantly sorry that it had not been a moment shared with Fili. Then he looked at Bragi struggling to get out of the sick bed while still wrapped. It reminded him of a turtle he’d once seen flipped on its back. He'd helped the turtle by picking it up, but Bragi was taller than him. He started laughing again, “Give me your hands little turtle.”

Bragi got the reference and huffed. He was inches taller than Kili! But between the two of them rocking and pulling, they managed to roll him upright. Kili’s laughter in no way helping.

Kili padded between the beds, packs, and equipment to the door and looked out for any sign of his mother. He could hear someone yelling in the distance. Probably her he assumed, and it didn't sound good for the recipient. He could definitely hear Bragi shuffling up behind him in his bandage bundling. That turtle moved faster. But Kili waited patiently at the door, listening and watching for anything that might get them caught. Vigilance, that's what kept them out of trouble. No evidence, no witnesses, no blame.

A thump against his back followed by arms wrapping around Kili's waist knocked him into the tent post. The impact of the two solid individuals nearly pushed the post over. The blonde had bungled a step and fell, grabbing for the only thing between him and a faceplant in the dirt, the brunette. Kili managed to right them without taking down taking down the tent. How would he explain that? Really, Fili was so much more poised than this imitation. Then he looked into those sea-colored eyes. “Are you all right?”

The blonde actually blushed in Kili's arms! “I'm okay. Thanks. I just tripped. It's a little hard to walk in your excellent bandaging.”

Blushing was just too much for the dwarf. He hugged the god tightly for a moment and stood him up. “Ok? Good. Call this bridge.”

Bragi took a deep breath and calmed his nerves. “Heimdall! Open the bridge.”

They both stood there waiting … and nothing happened. Screaming could still be heard in the distance, dwarves bustling about entirely too close.

A minute later, Bragi repeated. “Heimdall! Stop kidding around! I need to come home and this boy needs his brother. Surely you've realized the mistake.”

And they both stood there waiting for… nothing.

“Heimdall! This is NOT funny! I don't care what Loki told you! I'm sorry about the fight that intruded on your bridge. Leave me here if you must, but send the boy home!”

And still… nothing

Kili started crying in earnest now. “You said you could call the bridge!” He yelled. “You said you could call the bridge!”

Bandaged arms came up and held him as he continued to yell. “”I know. I'm sorry,” was all Bragi could say, over and over while Kili shouted and cried. At that moment Dis came around the corner and his life flashed before his eyes.


	5. Irrestistable Fili

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli doesn't like the popularity he has in Asgard

Fíli flattened himself against the garden wall. It was not his proudest moment. Here he was, heir to the throne of Durin, hero of the Battle of the Five Armies, hiding, though from a very determined woman.

Loki was who knows where. Thor was gone, to Midgard, a “realm,” he had been informed. And that Odin had forbidden anyone to tell their “visitor” more. 

Fíli was under strict instructions not to leave the palace. Ori would have found a way to do some research and find out answers. Fíli was more sensible. So what if this didn’t make any sense. Still, he couldn’t stay cooped up in a little room. There must be something fun to do around this palace! Fíli was willing to bet that they had an awesome armoury. 

He had not expected to be greeted by a fierce woman who appeared to stand guard outside his room. A Valkyrie, she called herself. Not “the Valkyrie,”whoever “the Valkyrie” might be. This one had introduced herself as Skogul. And she was all too willing, she had told him, to show him the pleasures of Asgard.

When she addressed him as “Lord Bragi," he tried to tell that he was not, in fact, Bragi, but apparently she was already aware that he wasn’t the real Bragi.

The real Bragi, she purred, she already had. Now she wanted to sample the dwarf version.

All Fíli’s protests that he was very much spoken for, were in vain. She simply did not believe that “Bragi” would ever settle.

He managed to shake her off, but Bragi seemed to have seduced or attempted to seduce half of the palace population. One woman told him outright that Bragi’s “voice” (whatever that was) had failed with her, but that she wanted to rub into his face that she had bedded his lookalike. It took Fíli a while to dissuade her.

A lesser dwarf might have been tempted by all the beautiful tall people practically queuing to take him to bed, but Fíli prided himself on his loyalty. He would not betray Kíli. Even though he was willing to bet that Bragi had nothing on him as a lover. Kíli was very, very satisfied.

And none of these people had anything on Kíli. Kíli had a reasonable size, the most beautiful eyes, and ….

“Well, if it isn’t my husband’s impostor.”

Fíli yelped when the tall, gorgeous blonde suddenly stepped out from behind a tree. She smiled.

“I am Idunn.”

“Bragi is married??”

Fíli’s head was spinning. Bragi had a wife?? All those people tried to seduce a married man? They had been seduced by a married man? Gold or not, this place was a pigsty!

Her laughter shook him. 

“Was married,” she declared, with a wicked grin. “We have long separated our bed and table. However...” She looked Fíli over. “I might be open to share my bed with you, if you are lonely here…”

“I’m good, I’m good,” Fíli tried to back away only to stumble over a root and land on his backside. He had never liked greenery. 

Idunn laughed and stretched out her hand to haul him up. Obviously she had miscalculated the weight of a dwarf, and when she tried to pull him up, she tumbled on top of him.

She was soft and made no move to get off him. But not Kíli. Definitely not Kíli. 

Fíli sat up and shoved her off his lap. In a friendly manner of course. He had learned good manners. He even hauled her up once he was upright. Not an easy feat, considering her ridiculous height.

She sighed as she dusted off her dress. “It was worth a try. You may...”

They were interrupted by loud shouting just beyond the wall. Somebody was most definitely not happy about being brought to Asgard. Not happy at all. 


	6. I don't care what you want, you will pretend to be my nephew at this banquet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Busted!

He must have fainted. Surely she didn't kill him, but this didn't look like Valhalla. Kili was here though, and his presence could make anywhere Valhalla. Bragi groaned and struggled to look around. White bandages, dirt… oh, Middle Earth.

 

Kili looked down at him and smiled, rubbing his shoulder. “Shh. You're alright. Just scared us. Got a bit overheated and dehydrated, Amad is getting some water.”

 

“She didn't kill me?” Bragi whispered.

 

Kili grinned, then laughed, “No, but we are busted. When she carried you to the shade, she noticed.”

 

“She carried me?” the whisper was even softer and sounded incredulous.

 

“Dwarf. Sturdy. Our children weigh more than you. You're just tall.” Kili smiled, ruffled the blonde’s hair and helped him sit up to lean against the brunette’s chest. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Can we take the bandages off? And I'm hungry, I think.”

 

“Well, blondie,”

 

“Bragi.”

 

“Bragi,” Kili corrected, snuggling a little closer to support his faux brother, “there's a wee problem with that. Not the food, there's plenty of food, a banquet in fact. But the bandages may be a issue. You need to be disguised to be Fili at the banquet."

 

Just then, Dis strode up with a pitcher of water and a mug.

 

“I'm very sorry, ma'am. I had no idea that my brother was playing such a trick. Please forgive us.” The Asgardian panted a bit in the heat.

 

“It's alright, dear,” she stroked his sweaty forehead where a few bandages had been removed.

 

“But I don't think I can pretend to be your son. I know nothing about dwarf culture,” he sighed and looked frightened, lowering his head, “I just want to go home and see Fili returned.”

 

Kili pulled him close and tried to defend him. "It's not his fault, Amad. Can't we just say he got injured?”

 

“We most certainly cannot!” Thorin bellowed, “Far too many people saw him healthy after the battle. I don't care what you want, you will pretend to be my nephew at this banquet!”

 

Before another battle could begin between the royal siblings, which Kili could not be sure his mother would win without dirty tactics, he suggested that they wrap “Fili” in a cloak and spread the word that he suffered the loss of some facial hair in an accident after the battle and was not taking it well. His idea was to avoid hiding the face completely, but letting the beardlessness be seen so his clinging to Kili and reluctance to partake in social activities would be easily understood.

 

Both mother and uncle accepted the logic of the plan, not without surprise that Kili had figured it out. He objected, but Bragi supported him, as Fili would have. Kili began to think that they needed to find a way to maintain this friendship when this situation was finally sorted out.


	7. Day Seven: Fake Kíli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't eat me, bro!

Followed by Idunn, Fíli hurried towards the ruckus. Fíli had always liked excitement. He never made it to the exit of the garden though. Somebody barrelled into him. 

 

Kíli! It was Kíli! Fíli slung his arms around him, standing on his tiptoes to embrace his beloved.

 

“What the fuck?” Kíli shoved Fíli away. Was Kíli angry? 

 

“I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to get pulled away from you!” Fíli assured him, throwing his arms around Kíli again. 

 

“What are you going on about, mate?” Kíli pushed him away again. “We’ve never even met!”

 

“We …” 

 

Fíli might not be the brightest tool in the smithy (as Thorin liked to tell him) but he was not totally clueless. He turned around. 

 

And yes, there was Loki. Leaning against the garden wall, his face alight with glee. Next to him were two Einherjar, looking warily at the Kíli impostor, who must have run away from them.

 

“This is not funny,” Fíli growled.

 

“It is,” Loki assured him.

 

“What?” Not-Kíli’s voice took on a dangerous edge. “What IS this place? What have you done to Annie? And George? And Nina? Who is this lunatic trying to kiss me?”

 

Fíli thought that was unfair. He had only tried to kiss him once.

 

“He made you look like my brother,” he defended himself.

 

“What. Is. This. Place.”

 

That man did not look like Kili now. His eyes had gone black. And were those fangs? 

 

Fíli quickly hid behind Idunn. Odin had never said anything about dwarf blood not appealing to vampires. He was a warrior, but he was not totally reckless.

 

“You are in Asgard,” Idunn intervened. “Home of the gods. Or so we call ourselves. My former brother-in-law considers it funny to use illusions to confound us.”

 

Loki smirked, but he waved his hand obligingly. 

 

Fíli peeked from behind the safety of Idunn. 

 

But at least he took a deep breath. The vision of Kíli morphed into... well a human version of Kíli really. Too tall, but just as devastatingly handsome. 

 

It was lucky for his history of faithfulness that this one did not look likely to invite Fíli into his bed.

 

“Asgard. What the fuck.” If Kíli used language like that, Dis would slap him right to Dagor Dagorath. “These people who forced me here claimed to act for Odin? What kind of stuff are you all taking?”

 

“Odin is indeed the ruler of this realm.”

 

When Fíli saw that this didn’t seem to have any effect, he thought it was high time for him to show himself as the royal prince he was. 

 

He piped up, “Eyepatch... I mean Odin... commanded all repentant vampires to be brought to Asgard, because apparently you don’t crave Asgardian blood.”

 

Everyone stared at him. Idunn probably didn’t know. Loki looked like a child whose favourite toy had been stolen.

 

The vampire in front of them stilled. The silence was creepy and the Einherjar looked distinctly uncomfortable. It looked like they didn’t quite trust that this vampire had no design on their blood.

 

Then he nodded slowly. “He’s right.” He pointed at Fíli. “That one is different though.”

 

Fíli eeped and retreated behind Idunn again.

 

“You’re a coward,” Loki told him, chuckling.

 

“I just survived a terrible battle,” Fíli protested. “I don’t want to fall prey to a vampire now, thank you very much.”

 

“You are fine.” Even the voice was like Kíli’s. Fíli came out from behind Idunn again. He just had to trust that voice.

 

The vampire glared at the Einherjar. “What’s going to happen then?”

 

They started to inch back to the entrance to the garden.

 

“The Allfather will receive you and your... fellow vampires... as soon as the campaign is finished. Meanwhile you will be given a chamber and you may move within the boundaries of the palace.”

 

He glared at them, “Get lost then!”

 

His eyes began to bleed black again, and they practically ran off. Loki followed them. Presumably to haunt them with vampiric illusions.

 

Idunn gave a small bow.

 

“You are welcome to use my garden. I have matters to attend to.”

 

Only minutes earlier she had time to propose to Fíli, but Fíli didn’t mind having a Kíli substitute all to himself. Even a scary one. He made a small bow.

 

“Fíli, at your service.”

 

The other eyed him, "Em. Mitchell. Pleased to meet you, I’m sure. I’m sorry, I’m still… what… is this some kind of high?”

 

“This is a place called Asgard. Not where I’m from. Just a different world, I think.”

 

“Right.” Mitchell blinked. “Right. Another world. Cool. Nothing odd about this at all.”

 

Fíli shrugged. It really didn’t bother him much. As long as they actually sent him back to Erebor soon.

 

“It’s a pretty world. I like the palace. Very shiny.”

 

“Why were you brought here.” Mitchell’s eyes narrowed. At least they were not black. “You are not like them. But you’re not human either.”

 

“I’m a dwarf.” Fíli puffed his chest. “I was brought here by accident, they left one of theirs in my world.”

 

He proceeded to explain his plight to Mitchell, who seemed even more confused but to welcome the distraction from his own problems.

 

Together they hassled some servants for food and had a very satisfying conversation about their opinion on people pulling people out of their own worlds. Fíli grudgingly admitted that before they had done it, Thor and his friends might have provided some small help, especially a certain green monster (identified by an enthusiastic Mitchell as The Hulk), but mainly he thought that he should have been afforded more respect. Mitchell also felt that a cheery “You will go to a better life, my friend” and a slap on his shoulder before he suddenly yanked away from his home was not quite sufficient.


	8. Day Eight: Kili Runs Out of Patience and Just Freaks Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiigh!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiigh!”

 

“Noooooooooooo!”

 

“I want Fiiiiiiiliiiiiii!”

 

Three plates sailed across the room in quick succession. A shower of food trailed behind and below each plate. Three satisfying crashes followed that. Bragi sat curled as small as possible in the bed. Everyone had been moved into Erebor proper and he was sharing with Kili to maintain the illusion that he was their crown prince for the population at large. Only the close family knew the truth.

 

Unfortunately, the movie into the royal chambers had just been too much for Kili. He had been screaming and throwing things for hours. Nothing actually at Bragi, but it hurt to be unable to help. He'd even tried using his voice on Kili but it hadn't worked for some reason. So he sat on the bed, watching Kili fling everything within reach.

 

“I haaaaaaaaaate Loki! He's a pompous willow-waisted cave-gherkin! His mother was a hideous lice-ridden snotling-fondler! His father is a perfumed tool-snatching sissy! All his siblings are warty mucus-oozing crybabies!”

 

Bragi had to cover his mouth to stifle laughter. If he told Kili now that he was, in fact, Loki’s brother, there was no telling how much worse the tantrum would get.

 

“Elf-kissing troll-barf! And don't even get me started on Thor! How could he not know his brother was abducting a prince? What a babbling rockrunt! Tunnel worm! Dangling fossil!” Kili seemed finally to have exhausted himself and flung his body onto the bed beside his friend. Truly they had become friends by now. He looked up into Bragi’s face and saw a few tears running down his cheeks, instantly jumping to his knees to comfort him. “Bragi, what's wrong.”

 

The blonde simply could not hold it in any longer and started laughing, tears flowing freely. “I’m Loki’s brother, too,” was all he could sputter out before he dissolved into helpless laughter.

 

Kili sat shocked, mouth agape. Then he started laughing too.


	9. Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is more than one kind of brotherly love.

Fíli and Mitchell were sitting on the ledge of a balcony with a perfect view towards the rainbow bridge when it flared. Minutes later, Thor was riding over the bridge, his friends in tow.

 

It looked impressive. Dwarves appreciated this sort of thing. The aesthetics of a warrior were of prime importance.

 

Mitchell didn’t seem to share the feeling, “Pompous bastards.”

 

A small group was following Thor and his friends on foot. Even from this far away, they looked unsure of themselves.

 

More vampires then. Fili inched a bit closer to Mitchell. He felt safe with this vampire. He wasn’t so sure about the others.

 

“You don’t happen to know if there are vampires on my world?” he asked his newest friend.

 

Mitchell stared at him, “Mate, this morning I didn’t know other worlds existed. How the fuck would I know?”

 

That was a fair question, and one Fíli didn’t have an answer to. He was saved by an Einherjar summoning them to the throne hall.

 

Technically, he only summoned Mitchell. But Fíli tagged along.

 

Mitchell was another world’s version of Kíli. Logically, that meant that Fíli would have to protect him from whatever dastardly thing Odin held in store for him.

 

And of course, he needed to demand that Odin send him back.

 

***

 

The dastardly thing was, in fact, yet another feast. Fíli had the distinct impressions that feasts happened too often in Asgard.

 

Dwarves liked a good feast. But there was such a thing as overdoing it. And Odin told him that he would have to stay another night. Something about punishing Bragi for one offense or another. Was it fair that he was punished for something Bragi did? No it wasn’t. But Odin hadn’t listened. Much like Thorin never listened. Once he was king, Fíli supposed that he wouldn’t listen to people either. 

 

Fíli ended up at a table with Thor, Mitchell and an assembly of Asgardians. Two of them introduced themselves as Bragi’s brothers, Ullr and Hodr. Of course, Fíli tried to soothe them, they must be upset that their brother was lost on another world. Only, they weren’t. They joked about Bragi being lost and seemed to take great pleasure in devising scenarios in which their brother was scared and confused.

 

Loki barged into their conversation and said that Bragi was presumably having the time of his life, seducing new species. Loki would say that, he was responsible for the entire muddle anyway. Fíli had just enough ale to start screaming at Loki expressing those feelings a bit more colourfully. Expressions such as “built like a tree-shagger” and “snivelling cave worm” as well as “conniving orc shit” featured heavily in his diatribe.

 

Loki, Ullr, and Hodr fell of their chairs laughing. Thor patted his shoulder heavily, “Take cheer my friend. You will be reunited with your brother soon.” And then, to the hysterics of his brothers: “We miss our brother just like you miss yours.”

 

“His brother shoved his tongue down Bragi’s throat, thinking he’s your new little friend,” Loki pointed out. “I never felt that particular urge with Bragi.”

 

Ullr and Hodr put down their ale, their faces tinged in green. Mitchell actually spit out his drink.

 

“Kíli, like the guy you thought I was, that’s your brother?”

 

“I told you so in the garden.” Fíli crossed his arms. Not sulking, of course. A prince of Durin’s line did not sulk. Ever. He was just put out.

 

“I did not pay attention. You … you kiss your brother like that?”

 

“Obviously.”

 

“And why would he not?” Thor put his arm around Loki’s waist, smiling broadly. “There is more than one kind of brotherly love.”

 

Mitchell downed his ale and quickly called for another. This brought the attention of Thor’s friends who all started to clamour for a drinking contest between them, a vampire and a dwarf. 

 

The honour of dwarfdom was at stake. Fíli forgot all about being laughed at and about missing Kíli. He had a contest to win.

 

He woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and the distinct feeling that he lost.


	10. FiKi Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone's jealous...

Odin had finally decided it was time to bring his illegitimate son home. The only difficulty was for Heimdall to find a discrete spot to send Fíli to, the guardian of the bridge informed him that Erebor resembled a sparsely populate bee hive; not a lot of people but a lot of bustling about around the mountain and Dale. As Bragi was impersonating Fíli (and Fíli made Thor promise to punch his brother for that), they needed to be careful to avoid the confusion of two Fílis.

 

Once the bridge opened, his head felt like it was split open. The space around and beneath him made him queasy. And still, Fíli felt giddy and inclined to hug Mitchell who had accompanied him to the Bifrost. Thor was behind, as was Bruce, the tamer version of the Hulk. Thor promised to be in touch. Fíli was not sure he wanted him to, although he admitted he’d like an update on how Mitchell was doing in his new home.

 

He was set down at some distance from Dale. The only thing that cheered Fíli up was the knowledge that Bragi would have to trek that same way back.

 

On the outskirts of Erebor, Fíli came across tents of the wounded. He heard a funeral going on as soon as he entered the mountain and his righteous anger fizzled. Up in Asgard he had forgotten about this downside of war.

 

Soon he stumbled over Nori, who was crouching down near a doorway. It was obvious the starfish dwarf was eavesdropping on something. Fíli couldn’t care less. He demanded that Nori take him to Kíli, furtively.

 

Fíli was not in the habit of ordering people around, and especially not the company, so Nori looked confused. Then he smirked knowingly. Whether he knew anything or not, canny and knowing was Nori’s default really. Fíli had long given up trying to detect what was behind it. What counted was that Nori managed to lead him through Erebor undetected. Nori was too young to have grown up in Erebor, but it came as no surprise that he already knew all the shortcuts and side tunnels.

 

While they made it to Kíli’s room undetected, Kíli’s loud scream of “FILI” alerted everyone in the mountain, Fíli was sure, that Fíli had somehow gone missing and shown up again. Luckily this tended to be Kíli’s reaction whenever Fíli was gone for longer than half a day, so he trusted nobody would draw any conclusions.

 

What conclusions he should draw from the fact that Bragi was in the room as well, clearly having occupied Fíli’s bed, he did not know. But he glared at his lookalike, arms still wrapped around Kíli.

 

“You,” Fili pointed imperiously at Bragi, “get out. Heimdall is ready to get your sorry self back.”

 

****

 

Fíli was not happy, not happy at all. Kíli, his Kíli, was genuinely sad to see Bragi go and insisted that Fíli take them personally to the spot where Heimdall would pick Bragi up. That required them to hide Bragi beneath a hood.

 

They took two of Dain’s war rams, which made the passage a lot more quickly. Still, they wasted time Fíli could have spent in bed with Kíli. It didn’t help that his mother was on the ram with him (Kíli and Bragi shared) and admonished him not to mope.

 

It was good to know nobody worried about him, he thought sarcastically. They could have done all manner of bad things to him in Asgard, but no, his family worried about him being rude to an interloper. Through his teeth, he admitted that Thor had promised to stay in touch and that there might be a possibility that Bragi was allowed to visit again.

 

***

 

“You’re so cute when you’re jealous.”

 

“I’m not jealous. And I’m not cute, I am handsome, I told you so many times.”

 

Fíli was sulking. Not how he imagined spending time in bed with Kíli again. Kíli was laying beside him and pinched his cheek.

 

“You are jealous and cute. Don’t deny it, âzyungâl.” He put his arm around Fíli’s waist and dragged him closer, until Fíli was snuggled against his side.

 

His show of resistance was pathetic and he knew it. The way Kíli rubbed his back was just too soothing.

 

“Don’t worry, you’re my one, you’re the only one I’ll ever want. Bragi might be nearly as handsome as you, but ….” Kíli trailed off, then he tugged one of Fíli’s moustache braids. “Well for one thing, he doesn’t have a moustache like you.”

 

“Hmm, and don’t you forget it.” Fíli turned his head to kiss Kíli’s jaw. 

 

Maybe he should tell Kíli that he kissed a man who looked like Kíli. Maybe once Kíli had grown tired of reassuring his beloved. But Fíli relished the attention far too much to draw attention to a small matter like that. 


	11. What big teeth you have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bragi meets a new arrival to Asgard

Bragi should have felt happy to be back in Asgard. And indeed, he was content enough, at least until Ullr, Hodr, and Baldr had greeted him with highly exaggerated versions of how he met Kili and got left behind on Middle Earth. When Idunn took pity on him and let him relax in her garden, just to get some peace and quiet, he knew it was worse than he imagined. He must be the butt of palace gossip, again. For some reason, this time it bothered him.

Later, in the quiet of night, and cover of darkness, Bragi wandered through the palace. He was intent on getting to his favorite place to relax and think. None of his brothers had found it yet. And with vampires to harass, it was likely they'd forget about him quickly. He approached the balcony, with its view of the Bifrost, but someone already sat there, long lean legs dangling over the edge, chin propped on arms crossed on the low balustrade. Something about the long dark hair and general aura of the man kept him from running. He took another step and Kili looked at him. Kili?

“Fili?” came a stunned inquiry. Kili jumped up and walked toward him. “What happened? I saw you go… Oh.” He stopped and backed up.

Bragi stopped. This wasn't Kili then. Oh, but he looked like him, just taller, taller even than Bragi himself. Not that he was unused to that. All his brothers were taller than him and his time on Middle Earth was the only time no one considered him the dwarf. “I’m sorry to intrude,” he began, “I come here to think and relax, but I can go elsewhere. I’m Bragi, “ he smiled at the brunette, “but I suspect you've figured that out.” With that, he turned away to leave with a sigh.

“Wait.” A soft call stopped him. “Do I really look so much like this Kili? You are the second person to mistake me for him.” The handsome brunette took a few steps closer and sat on an upholstered sofa, motioning for Bragi to join him.

Hesitantly, the blonde Asgardian sat.

“Your brother Loki tells an entertaining tale of how you first became acquainted with this Kili. Is he really that attractive?”

“Honestly,” Bragi said, “Now that I see you, he seems a bit less, but only compared to you.”

Fake Kili threw his head back and laughed, loudly. When he finally composed himself, he asked, “Is that how you've bedded half of Asgard?”

Bragi blushed. “I suppose I deserve that. My behavior has not always been responsible or respectable.” He winked, “But it has been a good time!”

Both of them laughed at that, and began cheerfully chatting. A servant wandered by and Bragi asked for ale and a smorgasbord tray. The two of them sat talking, eating, and drinking until the dawn.

With the sun’s first rays streaming over the Bifrost to light their faces, Mitchell leaned over and swept a curl of blonde hair out of Bragi’s eyes. He leaned back into the sofa, shoulder to shoulder with the blonde god. “I’ve met your ex. If you were to consider another relationship, would you be faithful this time?”

The blonde lolled his head to the side to look the vampire full in the face, “For the right relationship, I am sure I can remain faithful. Did you have anyone in mind?” He had the temerity to look utterly innocent, then ruin it with a wink.

“Oh shut it will you,” Mitchell said, snaking an arm around Bragi's waist and pulling them close before pressing their lips together in a chaste kiss that was soon anything but.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew this was coming, right? They just belong.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visiting rights are arranged

Things settled at Erebor. Kíli and Fíli were back together. More important for everyone else were the settlements between the dwarves, the men and - to the shock of everyone, including the negotiators - the elves.

Thranduil and Thorin managed to neither yell nor throw casual abuse at each other during the official ceremony surrounding the signing of the treaty. Fili and Kili stood behind Thorin looking very regal. They could tell they did well because nobody scolded them afterwards.

Fili was a bit busier than he liked, trailing Thorin and being a good heir. Kili was allowed to come along initially, but soon a role for him was found - he was put in charge of the correspondence with Dale and Mirkwood. But all in all, they were happy. Thorin was less grumpy, now that he had Erebor back (and Bilbo. Having Bilbo helped too). Their mother was there. They were heroes.

Then this happy life was rudely interrupted by an unexpected visit.

One fine summer day, Bragi and Mitchell ambled up the road from Dale to Erebor, as if their strange clothes didn’t designate them as strangers at all. The dwarf guard at the gate was too stunned by the resemblance of these men to the princes to stop them from entering.

***

Bragi had told Thorin that Middle Earth was now under his protection, whatever that meant. Fíli didn’t want any protection by this impostor who had dared to touch Kíli and whom Kíli hugged to say hello.

He dragged Mitchell to the side a bit later and Mitchell told him that the decision had been more of a temper tantrum with Bragi declaring that if Thor got to protect Midgard, Bragi should get to protect Middle Earth.

For some reason Mitchell sounded indulgent. A nice, reasonable man like Mitchell? Why would he? Granted, Bragi __was__ very handsome. But a relationship was not all about pretty faces and stunning bodies. (Fíli and Kíli had a slight advantage there, he felt. Bragi and Mitchell were, after all, just human versions).

At least Fíli and Mitchell definitely agreed they did not like, at all, the way Kíli and Bragi danced together at the feast following the treaty signing. Dis forbade Fíli to interfere because Kíli was actually motivating some wood elves to join them, and that was good for their relationship. 

Fíli didn’t want to interfere with the elves. He had privately negotiated with one of the guards to send him all his beloved confiscated knives and daggers (at least those not filched by other elves) in exchange for mead from the Iron Hills. No, he was fine with the elves. He just wanted to remove Bragi from Kíli’s vicinity. And Mitchell agreed wholeheartedly.

They wisely decided to take some mead and retreat somewhere far away from their partners.

***

Bragi twirled Kili gracefully around the room, laughing and talking incessantly about Mitchell. For his part, Kili still found it a bit disorienting to have the blonde with Fili's face (but not his glorious mustache) stand taller than him. Nevertheless, he merrily danced in his embrace, peppering the conversation with his own running commentary on Fili.

After a particularly strenuous line dance with the wood elves, the dwarf and Asgardian grabbed drinks and retreated to the arms of their partners. Bragi nuzzled his sweaty face into Mitchell’s neck and sighed audibly. Mitchell fondly, and perhaps a bit possessively, wrapped his arms around his blonde and cuddled him close. Fili watched Bragi warily as he curled around his brunette after Kili flopped, exhausted, into his lap.

Fili looked up, a ridiculously smug look on his face. He was shocked to see the same look on Mitchell’s face. They both burst out laughing. Apparently, no one had anything to be jealous of.

The banquet continued for two days as Bragi instituted Asgardian traditions for the auspicious event. Even famed dwarvish and hobbit stomachs grew over-full and piles of pillows, along with blankets of every description were brought in to allow guests to rest in the hall. 

Bragi smiled contentedly at the vision of the huge dwarvish hall filled with people of every race snoring, eating, singing, and drinking.

The four of them stayed mostly in their nest throughout the rest of the banquet. Now that their petty jealousy was resolved, they realized they had more in common than their looks.

All too soon, Fili and Kili accompanied Mitchell and Bragi back down the road to Dale. But no matter how far apart, their friendship was firmly set. Heimdall had been asked to watch over Fili and Kili. All they need do was call and he would send the bridge or assistance. Hugging all around still resulted in an overtight hugs when rightful partners were returned to each other. In a flash, the vampire and god were gone. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for now, but we're having too much fun with this little verse to give it up! More to come ....


End file.
